The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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