I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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