just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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