This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have poison ivy on my dick
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?