tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress