uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We had to coat check the pizza.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.