eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...