I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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