Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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