What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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