I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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