now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.