The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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