I need help removing her.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
