I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
