ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just invented taco cereal.
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Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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