You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i drank out of a bidet.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
