hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
