9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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