I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize