There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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