I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
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his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
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Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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