Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
