Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
