"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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