I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
