why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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