Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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