I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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