I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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