It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Found your dick twin last night
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
