can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just had sex on a roof
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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