Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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