either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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