I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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