No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
