O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos