I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats