just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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