and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
