One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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