ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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