I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
