Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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