I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Randomize
