advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
