New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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