I love black thongs
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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