Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
