The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
