woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
