Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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