yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
