I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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