My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You dont lie about slip and slides
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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