My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My balls are so social today.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
