i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
