i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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