then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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