Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
